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    Abbott
    Strange as it may seem, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names.
    Costello
    Funny names?
    Abbott
    Nicknames, nicknames. Now, on the St. Louis team we have Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know is on third–
    Costello
    That’s what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.
    Abbott
    I’m telling you. Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know is on third–
    Costello
    You know the fellows’ names?
    Abbott
    Yes.
    Costello
    Well, then who’s playing first?
    Abbott
    Yes.
    Costello
    I mean the fellow’s name on first base.
    Abbott
    Who.
    Costello
    The fellow playin’ first base.
    Abbott
    Who.
    Costello
    The guy on first base.
    Abbott
    Who is on first.
    Costello
    Well, what are you askin’ me for?
    Abbott
    I’m not asking you–I’m telling you. Who is on first.
    Costello
    I’m asking you–who’s on first?
    Abbott
    That’s the man’s name.
    Costello
    That’s who’s name?
    Abbott
    Yes.
    Costello
    When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
    Abbott
    Every dollar of it. And why not, the man’s entitled to it.
    Costello
    Who is?
    Abbott
    Yes.
    Costello
    So who gets it?
    Abbott
    Why shouldn’t he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
    Costello
    Who’s wife?
    Abbott
    Yes. After all, the man earns it.
    Costello
    Who does?
    Abbott
    Absolutely.
    Costello
    Well, all I’m trying to find out is what’s the guy’s name on first base?
    Abbott
    Oh, no, no. What is on second base.
    Costello
    I’m not asking you who’s on second.
    Abbott
    Who’s on first!
    Costello
    St. Louis has a good outfield?
    Abbott
    Oh, absolutely.
    Costello
    The left fielder’s name?
    Abbott
    Why.
    Costello
    I don’t know, I just thought I’d ask.
    Abbott
    Well, I just thought I’d tell you.
    Costello
    Then tell me who’s playing left field?
    Abbott
    Who’s playing first.
    Costello
    Stay out of the infield! The left fielder’s name?
    Abbott
    Why.
    Costello
    Because.
    Abbott
    Oh, he’s center field.
    Costello
    Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team?
    Abbott
    Wouldn’t this be a fine team without a pitcher?
    Costello
    Tell me the pitcher’s name.
    Abbott
    Tomorrow.
    Costello
    Now, when the guy at bat bunts the ball–me being a good catcher–I want to throw the guy out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
    Abbott
    Now, that’s he first thing you’ve said right.
    Costello
    I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!
    Abbott
    Don’t get excited. Take it easy.
    Costello
    I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don’t know. I don’t know throws it back to tomorrow–a triple play.
    Abbott
    Yeah, it could be.
    Costello
    Another guy gets up and it’s a long ball to center.
    Abbott
    Because.
    Costello
    Why? I don’t know. And I don’t care.
    Abbott
    What was that?
    Costello
    I said, I DON’T CARE!
    Abbott
    Oh, that’s our shortstop!